Blanch Gets A Spider Bite

Felix! You forgot to drain the fucking tub. I told you water attracts fucking spiders! I was tubbing it cleaning up the hack saw job I'd done on my bikini line and this little fucking critter came out of no where; and bit me! Little shit! Musta' crawled over my hairy little back without me noticing...  Now look at me! My eye has swelled to the size of a fucking tomater! People look at me funny, everywhere I go. I know what they're thinking, one of three things, 1) have a fucking mouth that got me in trouble at last weeks water aerobics, we all know that's not the case, that I got bit by one of those little "yippy" chihuahua dog or fucking rottweiler, or that my fucking hubby whom I love so much, yes, you Felix, has abused me! We all know who cracks the whip around here ya' fucker! Don't even, just drain the fucking bath next time. While you're at it maybe dig in the drain for your back hair. It's been years since that good fucking trim I gave you the other night. Sorry I cut your balls ever so slightly. Get the fucking drain too.

Blanch,
I'm down in the basement cleaning up all this lube from your passion party last night. I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but it looks like you already did.

Love,
Felix

Nothing new

Felix,

Where the fuck are you?

Love,

Your Bitch,

Blanch

Blanch you really wanna be my fuckin valentine today? Bring them cheetos up to the bed with you after murder she wrote. And you better be wearing those fishnet spanx I bought you.