Blanch,
I'm down in the basement cleaning up all this lube from your passion party last night. I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but it looks like you already did.

Love,
Felix

Nothing new

Felix,

Where the fuck are you?

Love,

Your Bitch,

Blanch

Blanch you really wanna be my fuckin valentine today? Bring them cheetos up to the bed with you after murder she wrote. And you better be wearing those fishnet spanx I bought you.

Blanch Is out of Lube

Felix, dropped the fuckin' hoondai, whatever it's called off with those Enterprise hotties. Those sex pots slick their hair back, make me hot.... will you get some hair gel and do that to yours, you little sex pot yourself! Fuck off and get to the store. Buy the hair gel and get some lube while you're at it. I'm out as of this morning.

Blanch you totally skipped out on putting out tonight. Now what am I supposed to do with the gerbil you left me in my dresser?

Blanch Dances Way to New Transmission On The Pole Name: Hot Rod

Felix, will you drop Pam, remember our daughter off at work, I mean school tomorrow. Cadi broke down outside of All-Star's last night. Couldn't afford to pay for the fixin' of it today so I'm dancing for the money tonight. Hope I don't get stuck in the upright position where my hip, ankle and heel meet and fold in half. Might have to meet me in Lawrence with that cork screw to get me in that downward dog position you always put me in while we take sauna over the stove when we put our heads in the pans?? I still can't believe I seared your eye brows off while lighting the burner last time. I already said I'm but I still feel hoe-ish for my careless error. I only meant to singe them. Love the smell of burned hair and those dog tempura sushi rolls we had at Kona last night.

XX, The Blanch (XXX tonight ;)

Blanch you looked soo hot in your moo moo and support socks last night ....I could hardly wait to get you home and give you a good rogering

Blanch's Car-Rental Rejection

Fuckin' A, Felix! Will you please get me a CREDIT CARD so I can RENT A FUCKING CAR like today?? [pleasant smile on Blanch's face] Apparently this card has a little different spelling, meaning, opportunity and capability than a debit card. I need a credit card. If I had a car that says BLANCH on it, I'd be on the road right fucking now but no! But nooo! It's all your fault.

Blanch now finds much humor in these questions:

1."May I help you?"

And 2. If so, "How may I help you?"

Well! Here's why:

(BLANCH trudges up to counter in an argyle sweater she knitted last Saturday night with walker. She reaches the counter and put the walker in park. She looks up. "Oh shit," she thinks to self. She know's this lady is going to ignite Blanch's inner bitch. Fuck.)

Avis, Enterprise and the rest of the agent who've turn me down: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?

Blanch: Yes. 

Avis, Enterprise and the rest of the agent who've turn me down: How may I help you? 

BLANCH: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat! 

Avis, Enterprise and the rest of the agent who've turn me down: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me. 

BLANCH: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk, down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Needless to say Blanch travels by walker today. Not a fucking, Datsun, fucking, Toyota, fucking Mustang, or even a fucking Buick. Happy fucking Tuesday, Blanch. She's probably pushing her walker to the closest bar. Please be aware of try to stay clear of a hunched over angry woman today. This bitch is loose pushing a walker with new tennis balls, wearing that argyle sweater she knitted last Saturday night. Please, stay clear of her wrath and path today.

Blanch Ponder About Basketball and Felix's Balls

How 'bout them Jayhawks versus Missouri last night. They really know how to handle their balls. You should learn.

Felix's Poem for Blanch

B is for backdoor
L is for lubricated
A is for anal
N is for Nipple tassels
C is for clown suit
H is for hemmorhoids

Felix Punishes Blanch... maybe.

Blanch, if you forget to take your fucking dentures out again, I'm going to dose you with enough metamucil you won't able to go to bingo for a month.

Where are my bifocals?? Maybe that would help me.

Blanch, where did I park my walker?? (Felix deep in thought: Did I bring the new one with new wheels and tennis balls. My fanny pack is on there with my medication (a.k.a. viagra). I hope Blanch never finds that and thinks that I'm not all natural anymore. If I don't find that fucking corkscrew by 9PM tonight (sexy time) she'll kill me! I can't execute and enjoy the "mandatory dentures off after dinner" rule. Shit!)

When Blanch climaxes the seismographs in oklahoma register a hard 5.0.

Felix and Blanch do KC Country Club Plaza. Pam drove them and watches the Medical Hum V as Blanch smokes her Capris on the patio in her Ray Bans and hooker heel boots as Felix learns to do screen shots on shitting PC net book.

Felix: Fucking, fucking... omg! ctrl + f + JXK + niner + thong 9 to the square root of infiniti??? What the fuck! Blaaaaaaanch!
Blanch: Go fuck yourself. I'm thinking. (Her thoughts: Should have worn a guarder today. Fucking muffin tops... Who's Jenny Croge? Weight loss?? Fuck it. What are those body support bras... covers thigh to shoulder. Hmm... maybe I'll head to Halls)
Felix: Blaaaaanch! This company hates me!
Blanch: (Her thoughts: he use to be so young, so bright, so promising? What happened??) Go fuck yourself. 

Blanch, the manager at starbucks wants you to quit farting on customers.

(Blanch in kitchen) Felix! Where's the cork screw? That still on the nightstand from last night or in the shower from this morning.

Blanch go roll your tits up and get me another stouffer's pot pie.

Let the races begin...

Fuck you, Felix.